Todays Session

Every week I attend a course for sex offenders and I am grateful to be on the course and addressing my real issues

What I have learnt from the course I am on is that I am not unique, There are many thousands of people in a similar position to me but too many of them make the leap from attraction to acting upon attraction, I’ve never done this and realise that this may well be my only saving grace.

You see before I thought it was completely hopeless and that even though I had plenty of female friends I was never even remotely attracted to any of them and most assumed I was gay because of this.

Don’t get me wrong here, I am always going to be attracted to preteen girls and I can accept this now and realise that with my own set of moral rules I do not ever have to act on this attraction.

What I am trying to say to guys or even girls who have the same attraction as me is……don’t hurt or abuse a child for a few minutes of selfish pleasure, you’ll ruin their life forever and no matter what you think now, it will haunt you for the rest of yours.

I’ve heard stories from people in my group that have made me feel physically sick and I cannot ever imagine how parents feel when their child is finally able to break the silence and free themselves from the torture they must go through.

But it’s through this group that I have gained acceptance that what I did was so very wrong, It may only have been pictures of young girls nude, but they never knew and I hope they never find out,  I apologise to them over and over again in my mind daily.

Please learn to love children for what they are and not for what you think they can give you.

Never touch a child and make excuses to yourself that they probably enjoyed it, you know thats just not true and fear or bribery has bought their acceptance, not desire.

Children flirt all the time with people they trust and do not expect them to act on it, it’s playacting for christ sake, respect that trust and don’t abuse it.

I’ll be back on after my next session and I hope to start including information on my boring normal everyday life as well

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I hope to stop mistakes being repeated

A very brief introduction, and please do not hesitate to ask me questions, as long as they are not for some kind of titilation I will not take offence and I will do my best to answer in a way that does not cause offence.

I am a man and have been a minor female attracted adult ever since I was 13-14 and now I am nearing 40.

I have always prided myself on never acting upon my attraction as my own moral code tells me it is completely wrong both physically and mentally for any child.

But three years ago I allowed myself to subvert my own judgement and access and download level one category pictures,  (To those who do not know this is nudity or clothed) I still allowed myself to believe that nothing I was doing was wrong as nobody got hurt and the pictures existed already, they were just nude pictures or clothed pictures that you can probably see everyday so hey what is the problem.

In the end I had around 1100 pictures when I was arrested for downloading them.

I received what seemed like a light sentence at the time of attending a course for sex offenders and paying court costs.

However my real sentencing came when my case was reported in the local media, where I was not a downloader of nude images, But child-sex images, The instant result was losing my job and all of my friends from work and my social life, I neither blame them for their opinions anymore than I blame someone else for my own actions, nor do I resent them for cutting me off completely, I won’t lie and say that it does not sadden me or that it leaves me isolated.

During my time on the course (Currently 9 months) I have been able to see just how much I was able to fool myself into accepting this as harmless.

How can I ever have believed that viewing pictures of any girl without her knowledge for my own gratification was ok…. how can I ever know whether or not she willingly became a model or was forced into it, And how arrogant was I to think that because I did not stray away from nudity into harder topics that somehow, that made me a better person.

I want to use this blog to document my life and my attempts to move on and start to have a productive life again.

I’m hopeful that anybody else in the same situation as me will be able to draw something from this blog to convince them that the desire may exist but the need to act on it need not.

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